Somebody Tell A Joke…

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One of my favorite FAVORITE FAVORITE movies of all time is “Moonstruck.” The film is a masterpiece.

One of my favorite moments in that favorite film is at the end, when the entire family is sitting around the breakfast table. Loretta Castorini (Cher) and her new lover, the brother of her fiancé, Ronny Cammareri (Nick Cage) have yet reveal their very speedy but apparently authentic love for each other and they are waiting for Ronny’s brother, Johnny, to return from his apartment after flying home early from Sicily because his mother has made a miraculous recovery from a life-threatening illness.

Here’s a great clip between Cher and the amazing Olympia Dukakis after Loretta’s return in the morning from her date with Ronny to the Met.

After that doorbell, Loretta’s aunt and uncle come in very concerned because they don’t have their bank bag after giving it to Loretta the day before to make a deposit for them…

Look, if you haven’t seen the movie — I don’t care HOW OLD YOU ARE, you have to. It’s a bucket list item. It really is.

During that scene, more and more things reveal themselves: a silent war between Loretta’s parents, for instance, and things are obviously tense … after a long and uncomfortable pause, Loretta’s grandfather, the patriarch of the family says in a very somber tone, “Sumbuddy tella joke.”

My grandmother was a tremendous pun-maker.  I loved her wit and timing.  She was very tall and aged when I grew into knowing her, but I loved being with her.  She had a gentleness and true concern and fondness for children.  She was human, she had her stuff, as we say, but I don’t remember it ever entering the picture other than her preferences that spawned from her OCD affliction.  Those preferences were mysterious and confusing, but mostly obeyed (and sometimes mocked) by her grandchildren. Although I do remember one of the cousins submitting to our mob-like curiosity who eventually went upstairs when we were in our teens against Gramma’s numerous request/commands.

this is my mom, me and my gramma (my mom’s mom). i was about three then. no, i was not demonically possessed.

When our cousin came downstairs s/he said (I can’t remember who did it) that it was a normal upstairs bedroom place.  Nothing scary or crazy or mysterious.  I remember I was sort of let down.  No bloody mannequins or chests of gold?

One of my favorite jokes (really puns were her specialty and I love them always because of her) Gramma ever told was “A ham sandwich walks into a bar, sits down and asks for a menu. The bartender says, I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food.”

I realize I have gotten serious on my blog the past few days and while I think that is important to do, I’m also looking for some levity.  So, because I have some puns (my dad sent them to me about a two (ack! two!) years ago), I thought I’d share them with you …

Here are some puns to lighten things up around here… a couple are sorta meh, a few are sorta cheesy, a few are excellent and they will all make you have some reaction…. most likely a chuckle or groany chuckle.  So, without further ado…

“Puns for Educated Minds”:

1.  The fattest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was
 Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3.  She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4.  A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6.  A dog gave birth to puppies near the road; she was cited for littering.

7.  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.  Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.  Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.  Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

 One hat said to the

 other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13.  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15.  The dwarf fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.  The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.  A backward poet writes
 inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19.  When cannibals ate a
 missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.  If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

21.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other
 and says ‘Dam!’

23.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
 craft.

  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it
 too.

24.  Two hydrogen atoms meet.
   One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’  The other says  ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25.

  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

 His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.
  There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that
 at least one of the puns would make them
 laugh.
  No pun in ten did.

Thank you. (I’ll be here all week! Baaaahahahaha!)

About Grass Oil by Molly Field

follow me on twitter @mollyfieldtweet. i'm working on a memoir and i've written two books thus unpublished because i'm a scaredy cat. i hail from a Eugene O'Neill play and an Augusten Burroughs novel but i'm a married, sober straight mom. i write about parenting, mindfulness, irony, personal growth and other mysteries vividly with a bit of humor. "Grass Oil" comes from my son's description of dinner i made one night. the content of the blog is random, simple, funny and clever. stop by, it would be nice to get to know you. :)

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