Fresh Spam: Strange and Assholic Comments From Bots + Free Lunch (Smile)

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So, I’ve been deep and introspective and poignant and meaningful lately. I am clearly working through some stuff, but the thing is, I have a limit.

I was afraid I’d solved all my existential problems and that I’d have nothing to write about. I feared that I’d run the well dry.

Then I went to my blog’s comments section and noticed there were 42 messages marked “Spam” and I had to wonder… what constitutes Spam on a blog? I’m so glad you wondered too… here’s a look-see at some of the finest comments marked “Spam”:

Submitted on 2012/08/01 at 1:43 am

Online cialis kopendoe je natuurlijk bij ons…

I don’t even know where to start. I thought I had my “je natuurlijk bij ons…” all figured out. Is that comment good? Bad? Did the bot like or hate what I had to say? What’s your gut telling you?

This next one is about a post that was near and dear to my heart “Re-ject-shun” and something we all go through every once in a while.  A good friend who is also a writer thought that it referred to my book getting the hammer from a publisher. Fret not! I’ve not the guts to send that out to anyone yet! But hey, I am scared, actually, about zombies reading my blog because several people who work for American Airlines Letter are asking about “brain dead individuals” making comments:

I create a leave a response whenever I appreciate a post on a website or if I have something to contribute to the conversation. Usually it is caused by the fire communicated in the article I read. And on this article Re – ject – shun Grass Oil by Molly Field. I was moved enough to drop a comment ;-) I do have 2 questions for you if it’s okay. Could it be just me or do some of these comments look like coming from brain dead individuals? :-P And, if you are posting on additional places, I’d like to keep up with everything fresh you have to post. Could you list the complete urls of all your public sites like your linkedin profile, Facebook page or twitter feed?

Right, I definitely want that bot showing up on my Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn feeds… because I love “I create a leave a response”  and then there’s this one… :

Some times its hard to be a woman.

I say: Some times its not.

This comment is in reply to the most recent post about False F(r)iendships (talk about feeling unheard):

[…] #split {}#single {}#splitalign {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;}#singlealign {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;}#splittitlebox {text-align: center;}#singletitlebox {text-align: center;}.linkboxtext {line-height: 1.4em;}.linkboxcontainer {padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px;background-color:#eeeeee;border-color:#000000;border-width:0px; border-style:solid;}.linkboxdisplay {padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px;}.linkboxdisplay td {text-align: center;}.linkboxdisplay a:link {text-decoration: none;}.linkboxdisplay a:hover {text-decoration: underline;} function opensingledropdown() { document.getElementById(‘singletablelinks’).style.display = ”; document.getElementById(‘singlemouse’).style.display = ‘none’; } function closesingledropdown() { document.getElementById(‘singletablelinks’).style.display = ‘none’; document.getElementById(‘singlemouse’).style.display = ”; } Eat Raw – How To Eat RawHow Much Food Should I Give My Dog?NEW Purina Pro Plan Dry Adult Dog Food, Sensitive Skin and Stomach Formula, 33-P*166 NEW* Walmart Deals = 11 Freebies (HOT printable coupons for baby food)Food PoliticsFalse F(r)iendship, Feeling Unseen, Unheard and Dressing Very Old Wounds […]

Dog food?! That dude wasn’t even LISTENING. Good God, I’m glad I don’t know him personally. Wait a minute… Maybe that bot was listening… I did write about dry dog food!  Maybe I do know that bot…

I love this one. It is clearly written by somebot who knows grammar and knows “vanilla” (and I thought the referred post’s headline was actually pretty freakin’ clever and awesome):

I think that everything said made a bunch of sense. However, think about this, suppose you added a little information? I ain’t suggesting your content is not good, but what if you added a title that makes people desire more? I mean Re – ject – shun Grass Oil by Molly Field is kinda vanilla. You ought to glance at Yahoo’s home page and watch how they create news headlines to grab viewers to click. You might add a video or a picture or two to grab readers excited about what you’ve got to say. Just my opinion, it might make your blog a little livelier.

I like making “a bunch of sense.” I do love the bot’s insistence that I … wait for it … “However, think about this,” And I’m OK with ain’tto grab readers excited” … really (did I use “ain’t” right back there? I never know…) and “desire more.” Somethin’ tells me, bot, that “people desire more” all over the place. I mean, the U.S. has 24% of the world’s prison population; there’s plenty of desiring going on to land those folks in prison, sadly.

This comment refers to a post which had no picture in it. I am hurt. I thought bots actually read what I write.

Thanks for your publication on this blog site. From my own personal experience, there are times when softening upward a photograph could provide the photography with an amount of an inventive flare. Many times however, this soft cloud isn’t just what you had in your mind and can usually spoil a normally good picture, especially if you intend on enlarging this.

“Softening upward a photograph”? That sound erotic.  Did this bot write 50 Shades of Grey? and “inventive flare” is that like an IED? “Soft cloud”? Gosh, some Spam bots are stoopid assholes.

This one is about the guest blog post about my book’s first page… what the what?:

[…] Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a few unrelated data, nevertheless really worth taking a look, whoa did one learn about Mid East has got more problerms as well […]……

I’m all about “combine a few unrelated data,”

What is SEO? An H tag? Panda? Backlinks? LSI? on my post about rowing (ROWING!, people) and I didn’t know I was a web admin (so now I’m a SAHM and a web admin):

Hello Web Admin, I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post, also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization. On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda. No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO. So what is good On-Page SEO?First your keyword must appear in the title.Then it must appear in the URL.You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing). Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.Your Keyword should appear in your first paragraph and in the last sentence of the page. You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword.There should be one internal link to a page on your blog and you should have one image with an alt tag that has your keyword….wait there’s even more Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at. WordPress Seo Plugin

And this final one … some bot bought another bot lunch on what I wrote (smile):

Nice read, I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing a little research on that. And he actually bought me lunch since I found it for him smile So let me rephrase that: Thank you for lunch! “England and America are two countries separated by the same language.” by George Bernard Shaw.

I wonder if they had Spam sandwiches on whole wheat with plenty of SEOs on the side, because you KNOW, that’s what George Bernard Shaw wanted to be known for.  I think they’re on to something by calling it “artificial intelligence.”

Thank you WordPress spam detector!

Thank you.

About Grass Oil by Molly Field

follow me on twitter @mollyfieldtweet. i'm working on a memoir and i've written two books thus unpublished because i'm a scaredy cat. i hail from a Eugene O'Neill play and an Augusten Burroughs novel but i'm a married, sober straight mom. i write about parenting, mindfulness, irony, personal growth and other mysteries vividly with a bit of humor. "Grass Oil" comes from my son's description of dinner i made one night. the content of the blog is random, simple, funny and clever. stop by, it would be nice to get to know you. :)

4 responses »

    • Amy! Thank you for swinging by! Yes, I would love a spamwich. I don’t know if you are aware, but that post got caught up in the WP spam bot filter and ended up suspending my account for about 15 hours. I was a wreck! I learned a lot about myself…. I’ll write about that. And thanks for the nod ok the design! It’s a WP template. I think it suits me… I was thrilled when I discovered it.

      See you soon! -m

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